Big Game Hunters
by Gorblax
Summary: Very loosely based on the Hellboy series, Grok, a foul-tempered Goron, and Damian, a know-it-all Magikoopa, work together for the Department of Digital Defense to solve the problems of the video game universe. Chapters updated in real time.
1. Oscar the Bartender

JULY 27, 2008 2:40 PM  
STEINWAY BEER GARDEN  
DUKES, LIBERTY CITY

Steinway's bartender cleaned his last glass and started setting drink menus on the tables. It was very early, now. Only the guys who drank alone were in the bar before six, and they usually didn't stay very long before getting mopey and moving on. He checked his watch. One of his more regular customers was running late.

As if on cue, a hulking seven foot figure who must have weighed at least 400 pounds- Oscar the bartender liked to guess, but always kept it to himself- wearing what must have been a custom-sized trench coat and a balaclava walked through the door. All anyone could really see of the enormous figure were his eyes, which Oscar sometimes fancied weren't quite human. And who knows? Maybe they weren't. Anything was possible after the Portal Storms of '04.

The figure stood at the bar, as he did every evening he was able to get out, declining the options presented to him by the barstools- he had never met one yet that could support him.

"Hey, Oscar," he said, leaning a bit forward. His sandy, red- could you even call it skin?- was visible between his eyes.

"Grok," Oscar nodded in response. That was it. Grok. The only name the patron went by. One time, when Oscar was feeling saucy and Grok was feeling pretty drunk, he dared to ask what his REAL name was.

"Honestly?" He said. "Grok is just a nickname. My full name… is Grok the Mad." That was the last time Oscar asked.

"Let me guess," Oscar said. "Scotch on the rocks?"

Grok grunted his approval, shifting some more weight onto the counter.

Oscar poured him half a glass of scotch and reached under the counter for a bucket of round objects Grok had once given him for such an occasion and dropped a few into his drink. Oscar had tried one once, when he was feeling brave, and almost broke his teeth on it. It seemed it actually was a rock.

Grok pulled up his balaclava a little bit, exposing his enormous mouth, spanning the entirety of his irregularly large, round head. "Bottoms up," he toasted the bartender, and threw back the whole concoction.

"Let me ask you something, Oscar," Grok said as the barkeep went back to setting his menus. "How satisfied have you been, overall, with your defense from supervillainy, on a scale of one to five- five being the best?"  
Oscar took Grok's characteristically oddball question into serious consideration for a moment or two. "Eh…. four."

"Four? Why four?"

"Well, I've never really met a supervillain before, so that means whoever's out there defending me is doing their job- but I take a point off because I don't think they're really a problem to deal with, in which case whatever defense is being provided from them is a little too much."

Grok went through a motion which could best be described as a chuckle, but not quite. "Wouldn't want to see your tax dollars going to waste, would you, Oscar?"

"That crap's government funded?" Oscar said. "I thought it was a free service. I'm changing my answer."

"No one ever wants to pay for anything until they need to," Grok mused.

"You're telling me. I imagine if I finally stopped extending your credit, you would pay me one of these days."

"I'm just testing your limits, Oscar. Trying to see how far you can go before you…" Grok grabbed a pickle from a jar on the counter and broke it in two. "snap."

"Enjoying yourself?" asked a somewhat wheezy but commanding voice from Grok's right. The trench coated monster jumped a little. Oscar did too. He hadn't even seen anyone come in.

"Crap, man! You gotta stop doing that! And what are you doing here? It's my day off," he lied.

"Time… matters little to our LINE of… work, Grok." He stressed the double Ks. "And usuALLy… not at all."

The man standing behind him, middle-aged with a tall and thin physique, pale skin, a brown crew cut with a prominent widow's peak, blue-green eyes, and a cheap gray-blue suit reached into his equally inexpensive-looking briefcase and handed Grok a packet of information he was going to have to read. He always had a reading assignment before he got to bust heads.

"Would you excuse us for a minute?" Grok asked his bartending compatriot, and nodded towards the bathroom.

"I guess I'll just… clean the stalls, then, lunch rush being over and all." Oscar said to himself, hardly believing Grok had just commandeered the Beer Garden.

Grok took off his balaclava, revealing his bald head and hairless face, red as a ripe tomato. Ruby Gorons were rare, especially today, but not unheard of- at least not by those unconvinced that Gorons did not exist at all. Had he taken a bath once in a while, he would shine bright enough to light up half the bar- but he didn't want that, anyway. He picked up the packet and flipped through it. "Soul Edge?" he asked. "That sword's been lying around since the 1600s. Can't it wait another day?"

"On the contRARy, Grok… ATTENTION to this MATTER… is long OVERdue." The G-Man, as he was commonly referred to by the staff of DDD and the Galactic Federation in general, seemed to be in need of some serious speech therapy… though as likely as not, he was just talking this way on purpose.

"This Heihachi guy… isn't he the CEO of some major Japanese company? What would he want with Soul Edge?"

"Keep reading, Grok."

Grudgingly, Grok obliged. Apparently, after the fourth Tekken Tournament, Heihachi Mishima, martial artist and mastermind of Japanese megacorporation Mishima Zaibatsu, was caught in an explosion which temporarily sent an aspect of him back in time to the late 16th century, where he learned of the existence of the legendary Soul Edge and attempted to obtain it, only to be thwarted by the rapier-wielding Raphael Sorel, sending him back to his own time to find his company had transferred ownership in his absence. Now, in an attempt to regain the company, Heihachi and his Tekken Force, a special ops division of Zaibatsu that remains loyal to him search for Soul Edge once more.

"Sounds messy," Grok said, putting the packet down.

"Fighting GAME plots are…. always 'messy,' Grok. And crossOVERs more so," G-Man said cryptically. More often than not, Grok had no idea what his employer was talking about.

"So… what? We start looking all over Europe for this guy?"

"An INside INformant tells… me Mishima-ssssan will sssoon… be in Ostrheinsburg Castle, where he lasst ssaw Sssoul Edge. You leave… tomorrow, monDAY morNING."

"Shellbrain already knows about this?"

"I met with Damian… at Department Headquarters. Where he is SUPPOSED to be," the G-Man indicated disapprovingly of Grok.

"Hey, it's easy for him. Magikoopas are happy to just practice all day, maybe zap a plumber or two," Grok explained, going behind the counter to poor himself another scotch. "Gorons have to roam a little. Steinway's only a block away from HQ anyway. Not like I'm going so far." But by the time he turned around, The G-Man was gone.  
"I hate it when he does that," Grok grumbled. "Who does he think he is, Batman?"

"Well, I'm done in here!" Oscar shouted. "I guess I'll clean the Ladies' Room now!"

"It's okay, Oscar, he's gone," Grok said, putting his balaclava back on.

"Cripes, that guy gives me the creeps," Oscar said, dropping a couple of rocks into Grok's drink.

"Yeah, me too. And I've been working for him for four years now."

"Do me a favor, Grok. Keep your meetings outside my bar from now on, okay? I don't always get the most legally honest clientele here. He looks like he could be an FBI agent or something."

"You have no idea." Grok finished his drink, picked up his mission statement, and started towards the door.

"Hey! Where are you going? You usually drink far more than two glasses of scotch before you ditch the bill."

"I've got business in Germany tomorrow morning. I'm getting my hammer."


	2. The Inside Informant

AUGUST 1, 2008 1:40 PM

JULY 29, 2008 4:15 AM  
OSTRHEINSBURG CASTLE  
MITTLEBERG, AUSTRIA

_"Brother Gelgoog's actions are unforgivable! Only __Volvagia's__ altar remains for him!"___

_"Aye!"___

_"Death to the traitor!"___

_"The murderer deserves nothing less!"___

_"Exile's too good for him!"___

_"Ahem!"___

_…___

_"As the victim, I am the only one witness to this treason other than Brother Gelgoog himself, so I'm more qualified to speak than anyone. But let us not forget all he has done for us in the past. Gelgoog has always been a shining example to the tribe as a whole. Who else was responsible for keeping the __Hylians__ from colonizing __Death Mountain?__ From keeping the city safe from __Dodongos?__ Who else could claim that they scoured the entirety of the mountain to locate and destroy the __Tektite__ nest? Only Brother Gelgoog. For it, I appointed him to be my right hand, and with no children of my own, heir to the position of Big Brother."___

_"That's exactly the reason he tried to kill you, Big Brother! Pardon my saying, but Big Brother's health has been slowly deteriorating for 20 years, and Gelgoog tired of waiting!"___

_Shame. Anger. Depression. Vengeance. Indifference. Silence.___

_"That may be true. Nevertheless, as Big Brother, in light of his previous dedication to Goron City, I declare that Brother Gelgoog is to be forgiven of death at the mouths of the dragons and allow him to begin his life anew with exile from the mountains of Hyrule."___

_"How generous!"___

_"Noble!"___

_"Forgiving!"___

_"How could Big Brother not be the rightful bearer of his position?"___

_"Brother Gelgoog, with the rock of eternity as our witness, you are hereby stripped of your fraternity and heritage. Your new name, to serve as reflection upon your past actions, is Grok the Mad. Evidence of your presence on these sacred mountains after this day shall result in your death. May __Din__ approve our actions and grant you recovery in your next life."_

BING BOONG!

"Huh? Wha!" Grok woke up on the DDD's private jet, which had been forced hours before to make an emergency landing in Mushroom Kingdom due to technical difficulties, putting them hours behind schedule.

"This Captain Pineapple speaking," announced the Pianta flying the plane. "We'll be touching down in Austria in about 15 minutes. On behalf of the flight crew, we know you have a choice when flying private jet, and would like to thank you for selecting yours."

"Do you remember whether that was funny the first time the captain told that joke, Grok?" asked Damian, who apparently never slept. Damian, an uncharacteristically young Magikoopa, was wearing his trademark blue robe and color-changing contact lenses, so his eye color changed with his mood. He invented them himself, and no one had the heart to tell him it was a really dorky idea. He was being sarcastic right now, so they were mauve. "It's been far too long for me to remember."

"Ugh… goro… gwah." Grok promptly fell back to sleep.

"What the… hey! Where am I?"

Grok woke up to find himself floating two feet above the ground, hovering along behind Damian- except everything looked like it had an odd, glossy film over it.

"You were impossible to get up as usual, Grok. So I used a new spell I've been practicing on you. You're in a floating bubble. The Magikoopas of Yoshi's Island use it all the time."

Grok rotated helplessly in his bubble, trying to pop it from the inside. "Well, now I'm awake! Get me out of this thing!"

Damian shot a few brightly colored geometrical shapes at the bubble, popping it and causing Grok to fall flat on the ground. The Ruby Goron picked up his Megaton Hammer and kept walking.

"So, we're in Germany now?"

"Austria. The forest of Mittleberg. We shouldn't be far from whatever remains of the castle- wait. Did you hear something?" Damian stopped dead in his tracks.

"I don't know, not much noise got through the freakin' bubble you stuck me in."

"No, I mean just now. Shh." The acolyte Magikoopa raised his wand and observed the woods closely around them, his eyes turning burgundy with determination. A shadowed figure was barely visible for a fraction of a second as it sped past them again.

"Up, up, down, down…" Damian said a little louder.

"What are you doing?" Grok raised his hammer, ready to strike as soon as whoever was watching them jumped out of hiding.

"Up, up, down, down…" Damian said, raising his voice a bit more. There was another _whoosh._

"...Left right left right B A start." Said a voice. Damian smiled.

"Good. It's our informant. The Government Man gave me a password to make sure we contacted the right person."

"Hey! Why didn't I get a password?"

"It should have been in your mission statement. I'm assuming you didn't read it over, though, considering you thought we were going to Germany. And if it wasn't there, it's probably because he didn't trust you to remember it." Mauve again. "What's the report, Owl?"

The Tekken Force member, who had contacted the Galactic Federation as a loyalist to Zaibatsu, dropped gracefully from the trees. "I am afraid you have missed Mishima-san's arrival. His arrival was… not uneventful. Are you familiar with a Yoshimitsu, or the Dura-Anti Manji clan?"

"They're… not affiliated with our department, to my knowledge," Damian said. Puzzled, his eyes turned goldenrod.

"Well, Heihachi seemed to know him. He recognized him as a regular contestant in the Tekken tournaments, and an occasional thorn in his side. This Yoshimitsu claimed that his clan had helped to destroy Soul Edge centuries ago, and that he was sworn by his ancestors to continue destroying all who sought its power. He and his bandits were able to defeat most of the Tekken Force, but Heihachi claimed he could recognize the taint of Soul Edge's power on his katana and stole it, believing it to be Soul Edge itself. The rest of Yoshimitsu's clan was beaten, and the remainder of Heihachi's strike force fled the scene. I remained to pass on the news to you."

"Really?" Damian mused. "Could this be… no… it can't be."

"It usually is when you say that," Grok said.

Annoyed, Damian's eyes turned yellow-green.

"Huh? Why are you cautiously optimistic?"

"That's green-yellow, not yellow-green."

"Oh. Sorry. What were you saying before?"

"On the long plane ride here, I did some research on Heihachi's trip to Austria in 1591. There was a Yoshimitsu seeking the destruction of Soul Edge then, as well- but an assassin named Voldo was in pursuit of him, as it seems Yoshimitsu's katana itself wasd corrupted by contact with a fragment of Soul Edge. Could this be the same sword?"

"Ninja clans have been known to pass down treasured weapons from leader to leader. Perhaps our Yoshimitsu is the katana's new possessor," Owl suggested.

"You mean _was_," Grok said. "It's your boss's for now. Can you take us to him? And what happened to Yoshi?"

"Yoshimitsu was badly injured in his battle with Heihachi and was left for dead. His right arm was severed by his own katana once Heihachi had taken it, but when I examined it, it was a prosthetic."

"So, no _new_ harm done," said Grok.

"I called for an ambulance, and he was picked up several hours ago. I have been hiding in the forest in waiting since. As for your other question, yes, I can take you. Heihachi has a mansion in Germany where he is probably staying, but with our lack of transportation, it will take us a full day to catch up."

"We better get started now," Damian said- burgundy again.

"Ha! I told you we were going to Germany."


	3. Business Matters

AUGUST 1, 2008 1:40 PM

JULY 30, 2008 10:35 AM  
MISHIMA-DOATEC INC.  
LEIPZIG, GERMANY

"And to your right, you will see the German division of DOATEC- the French corporation responsible for the popular Dead or Alive Tournaments, which rival only Mishima's Tekken Tournaments in scope and grandeur. Heihachi Mishima, former owner of Mishima Zaibatsu before the transfer of ownership to Fifth Tekken Tournament winner Jin Kazama, has been negotiating with current chairperson Helena for a partnership with the company. Negotiations are still in the works, but Mishima has already gained a partnership with the prolific German division of the company, which provides a home to some of the greatest fighters in DOA, such as 18 year old karate master Hitomi. Any questions before we move on?"

An old woman on the back of the tour bus raised her hand. "Yes, there seems to be something behind us, speeding down the street. Is it some sort of new German car?"

The tour guide moved to the back of the bus and looked out the window. "Hmm… I've never seen that before. Looks like a small, red boulder. It's going FAST. I don't think it's German, though…"

"It's coming straight for us!" another woman panicked. "DRIVE, DRIVE!"

But, too late. Grok rolled at eighty miles an hour right into the bus, knocking it over on its side. The Ruby Goron got up and rubbed his head, traffic jamming all around him in front of Heihachi's hideout.

"Geez. I feel like I just hit a bus. Gotta remember not to do that in cities." A man in front of the building, dressed quite similarly to Owl, the DDD's spy on Heihachi, dialed a number on his cell phone. "We have an incident outside the building," Grok heard him say. "It's some sort of rock… man. He's heading straight for the gate. I'm going to need backup."

"Rockman?" The voice on the other end of the phone said. "Like, the blue robot?"

"No, not like that. Just get out here. Bring a few guys. He has a huge hammer."

"Stealth was never really my thing, anyway," Grok muttered, swinging his Hammer at the Tekken Force operative at the gate. The agent dropped his phone to tried and dodge, but he was too late. Several nonvital organs were crushed, and Grok hammered his way through the gate in front of the building. The agent remained crippled on the ground. He wouldn't be getting up for a while.

"Hello? Hello? Hawk, are you there?" said the voice on the other line of the dropped phone.

"Never mind. The gate was damaged, but the situation has been handled." Owl and Damian had arrived just in time to save the situation, and their inside informant had picked up the phone.

"We'll get a look at it tomorrow, then. Bluejay out." The other end hung up.

"I warned you to stay with us," Damian reiterated, eyes yellow-green. "Every time you take the lead, bad things happen around you."

"Yeah, no use griping about the past. It worked out, didn't it?"

"Only because I was able to summon a golden Koopa shell for Owl so we could catch up. That spell doesn't always work- we could have been killed!"

"That's your fault for not being any good at magic. Nothing to do with me."

"Stop!" Owl demanded. "You're already a day behind. Who knows what Heihachi has done with the sword?"

"If he's here, my guess is business negotiations," Damian ventured.

"Well, we got business too. Come on." Grok walked through the smashed gate and up to the front door, brandishing his hammer. It floated away from him in a large bubble.

"Stop doing that!" Damian said, dropping the hammer on the roof. "We need to remain unnoticed as long as possible. There may be heavy security."

"Ooh. 'Heavy security.' Those words always get me excited. I'm next, right? Whoa!" Sure enough, Damian lifted Grok in another bubble onto the roof. Damian pulled a broomstick out of his robe and landed next to Grok.

"Hm. No skylight. There's usually a skylight in this sort of situation…" Grok mused.

"We'll just have to make one, then."

"That's what I'm talking about!" Grok raised his hammer, about to smash through the roof.

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SMASHING THINGS!" Damian yelled. His eyes glowed deep red. "Let me handle it. Please. I'll give you the signal when it's time to do your job. Okay?"

"And just who made you the leader?" Grok asked indignantly.

"The Galactic Federation after the Portal Storms, when I managed to save the entire universe while you stood by and did nothing, I believe," Damian quipped, still pretty ticked off at his incorrigible partner.

"Please. That was a fluke and you know it."

"Stand back…" Damian said. He brandished his wand, using a spell to turn a Grok-sized square of roof tiling into feathers. Unfortunately, it turned into a Thwomp.

**THWOMP!!**

"Holy crap! What is that thing?" One Tekken Force member asked, the angry stone having dropped to the first floor inside the building, crushing two guards below.

"I don't know… sounds like it came from the roof. We better check it out."

"What was that about subtlety?" Grok asked.

"Just shut up and get your hammer out…"

Grok smirked, jumping through the Thwomp hole in the roof and landing on top of it in the middle of what was apparently the mess hall, where a few dozen Tekken Force members were hanging out. They all turned to face him, ready to strike for their two fallen partners.

"Oh, this is gonna be fun," Grok said, pressing a little button in the middle of the Megaton Hammer's handle.

Grok swung the Megaton hammer around, causing the hammer's head to release itself from the handle, although still attacked by a sturdy steel-linked chain. Now in full swing, Grok stopped rotating his arm, causing the head to launch out at a Tekken Forcer, instantly killing him and the two men behind him, and after that the three to his side after swinging it back to himself. He repeated this maneuver a few times before the men, unarmed, jumped toward Grok just in time for the Thwomp he was standing on to rise back up to the roof. More Tekken Forcers flooded the mess hall.

"Going down?" Grok asked his companion, still on the roof and manipulating the Thwomp with his wand.

"Buckle up," the Magikoopa warned, causing the Thwomp to crash back down with an incredible force, knocking everyone in the first floor off their feet and destroying a good chunk of the building. Grok's modified Megaton Hammer made quick work of all who didn't flee the scene to secure Heihachi and his business associate.

"Well, hard part's over," Grok pressed the button again, and the hammer head reattached itself to the handle like some sort of bizarre retraction of a tape measure.

"Not just yet," said the voice of a woman in a Japanese-German accent from the collapsed doorway. A roundhouse kick cleared the debris.

"No way! You're that chick on TV!" Grok said.

"My name is Hitomi," the girl said. "You're interrupting an important business meeting. I was sent down to deal with you."

"Were you, now? Don't think I'm not gonna take you seriously. I saw you handle Hayabusa in one of those tournaments."

"I wouldn't want to be disappointed," she said, preparing for Grok to attack.

"Guess I'm going first, then," Grok said as he released the hammerhead towards Hitomi, shooting it out like a cannonball. Hitomi sidestepped, grabbed the chain, and began to swing the chain in hopes to gain enough momentum to control the hammerhead. Grok pressed the button again, and the chain rushed back into the handle, bringing Hitomi in close on top of the Thwomp. She punched Grok in the gut, breaking her hand.

"Yeah, weren't expecting that, were you? I don't just _look_ like a big rock, you know."

Grok hit Hitomi over the head with a free hand, knocking her cold to the floor.

"I can tell you're a good girl who's gotten in over her head. Probably have a sick dad or something, trying to get the money for hospital bills. I'll let you live for now," he said to the collapsed Hitomi. "Damian!"

Damian soared to Grok's side on his broomstick. "Where do you suppose our sword is from here?" Damian asked.

"I'm guessing this little lady came here from the meeting when a few of the Forcers left to warn the boss that we're here. So look for a clear path through the rubble," Grok suggested.

"Hm. Pretty smart." Soon enough, Grok and Damian found their path and were on their way to the final showdown.

Heihachi sat in the conference room, katana in hand and shaking his head. Just his luck that his German business contact should be crushed to death by the wreckage. Now his chance of acquiring DOATEC was up in the air. It was probably going to Aperture Science now, who had been trying to outbid Heihachi for a while now. But what Aperture wanted with a fighting committee he had no idea. He had his suspicions that DOATEC wasn't exactly just what it seemed…

"I'm glad you could make it," Heihachi said in Japanese without turning around. "I was afraid that in the midst of all this chaos, you wouldn't be able to find me."

"You made a good show of trying to escape from me," the figure in the doorway replied, "but you made one vital mistake. You took my sword. And I am not allowed to rest until the relic of my ancestors is back in my possession. I will tell you one more time: the katana is not Soul Edge. It has crossed Soul Edge's path on several occasions in battle, but it is not Soul Edge."

"Still, if the real thing has truly been destroyed, this may be enough to finish Kazama and regain Zaibatsu." Heihachi turned around to face Yoshimitsu, tossing the katana out the window. "Now neither has the advantage. Let us begin."

"Psst. Hey, Dames. What are they saying?" Grok asked Damian from the next room, watching this conflict fold out.

"It doesn't matter. Our target just threw the sword out the window, which we were planning on doing anyway. Owl should have it now. Let us make our retreat."

"Gotcha. Kind of... anticlimactic, though."

"The Government Man once told us that 'the climax is for protagonists. Protagonism isn't our job.'"

"Any idea what that means?"

"I'm slowly catching on."

Damian and Grok walked out of the wrecked office building as an epic battle unfolded behind them and sped off with Owl to the nearest airport, where their private jet was waiting for them.


	4. The Expert

AUGUST 1, 2008 1:40 PM

AUGUST 1, 2008 1:40 PM  
DEPARTMENT OF DIGITAL DEFENSE  
DUKES, LIBERTY CITY

Despite all his best efforts, Damian returned to the Department with a bad sunburn. After their two-day mission chasing down a sword that was most likely destroyed centuries ago, Grok had insisted that Captain Pineapple land on Isle Delfino for a well-deserved vacation. No one but Grok, who spent the whole time getting hammered on the Galactic Federation's credit, had a very good time. Damian spent his whole time trying to keep as many people as possible from seeing Grok in broad daylight, and Owl spent the whole time suspiciously guarding Yoshimitsu's katana from anyone who came into eye contact with him- now that he was on the run from the Tekken Force, he was seriously spooked by the consequences.

Although on the outside, the Department looked like an ancient office building in serious need of maintenance, the interior, once one managed their way passed N'ansi- the DDD's Dark Elf secretary, who was just then eating her daily horsemeat sandwich for lunch- was very tastefully decorated with Early Hylian period pieces. Damian made his way to the conference room, where Grok, the Government Man, and a few others were already waiting.

"I apologize for my tardiness," Damian said as he entered the room. "_Someone_ was trying to use _my_ crystal ball to cheat the casino at our resort, and had it confiscated."

"You have a crystal ball, and you use it to show up early to meetings?" Grok snickered.

"I don't like to miss anything," Damian said defensively.

"You will be PLEASED… to know that WE… have yet to begin," the G-Man contributed. "Our inforMANT… has already sent the kah-tah-nah to our… reSEARCH deparment. We were unable to remove Soul Edge's TAINT." He stopped. "From the weapon, so we… 'brought in'… an exsspert."

"What did he just say?" Grok whispered to Damian.

"Allow me to… introDUCE… one of the foremost authorities on holy and unholy artifacts, Mr. Adrian Tepes."

"A pleasure," said a man with long, golden hair in a well-made Japanese business suit. He shook Grok and Damian's hands. "Although you can call me Arikado. It's a new name I'm trying out." Grok eyed Damian suspiciously, who gave him a yellow-green look to shut up.

"So, uh, what makes you such an expert on this kind of thing?" Grok asked the newcomer.

"I have been working closely with items of both holy and unholy natures for the past 600 years. This organization is into its fourth year now, I believe, so I may have more to offer on this subject than the department."

"Six hundred?" Grok asked. "You don't look it."

"I try to stay active," he replied dryly. "I was around during the conflicts of the late 16th century over the Soul Edge. Although I missed much of it, I was in contact with one Raphael Sorel, a Frenchman who was very deeply involved in the battles over its possession."

"Yeah, he came up in my last homework assignment," Grok remembered. "Beat the crap out of Heihachi."

"He told me about that. He also battled a demon named Spawn and an elvish-looking fellow named Link before his fateful encounter with Soul Edge, who I later learned was the very same legendary Hero of Hyrule."

"Wait, back up," Grok said. "_That_ Link? From the Legend of Zelda every kid in Hyrule learns in school? That never really happened. It's just one of those fables, like 'Final Fantasy' or 'God of War'." Although the people of his tribe continued to emphasize the importance of "The Legend of Zelda," "God of War" was always Grok's favorite as a kid. That was how Grok was the only Goron crazy enough to modify the Megaton Hammer, said to have been used by Link himself during his battle with Volvagia- one of the many contradictory tales floating around about the hero.

"Is it, now?" Arikado gave Grok a sly look. "Anyway, one of the stories Mr. Sorel wrote to me about were the regular conflicts between your Yoshimitsu's ancestor- the owner of this katana, and a man named Voldo. Voldo, a blind assassin, also made the mistake in believing that this katana was Soul Edge, rather than merely one of several weapons tainted by its power in combat. Nevertheless, that makes it a very dangerous artifact. There is nothing I can do here, but I shall take it with me back to the Hakuba Shrine where I may be able to figure something out."

"Won't Yoshimitsu or Heihachi come looking for the katana?" Damian asked.

"Yoshimitsu… will not be a problem. Without his sword… he WAS badly beaten BY Heihachi as you left… DOATEC Germany… in shambles. WHEN he regains consciousness… the Manji Clan will… explain our situation to him. Once we can remove… Soul Edge's inFLUence-" The G-Man took a drink of water. "-it will be returned to him, and in one piece… if we CAN help it."

"As for Heihachi and possibly DOATEC, now that they know about the sword," Arikado picked up, "well, that's where you come in."

"Bodyguard duty," Grok pre-empted. "You want us to keep your hide safe while you take care of Soul Edge Junior here."

"I can take care of myself, thank you," Arikado said. "I didn't live through every human conflict since the War of the Roses by accident. It's the priests of Hakuba Shrine and the katana itself I'm worried about."

"We have… reports… that DOATEC is already 'involved' in… suspicioussss activity in Japan. After Mr. Arikado finishes his work, this MAY be a good opportunity to invessstigate."

"When do we leave?" Grok asked. "I just got off the plane, for Din's sake."

"You have some time," Arikado said. "I don't have to leave until Sunday afternoon. I have some other business to take care of while I'm in America- business with the CIA involving a Demon Statue- I may need to bring that back as well. But you shouldn't worry about it. I'll see you on Sunday."

"Super. Can I go, now, chief?" Grok asked. But G-Man had already left, of course. "Take that as a yes. Just enough time for my other appointment. I'll be at Steinway if you need me."

Damian scoffed. "If we need you, we'll just call a wrecking crew to destroy everything for us and cut out the middle man."


	5. Cleansing

AUGUST 4, 2008 8:55 AM

AUGUST 4, 2008 8:55 AM

HAKUBA SHRINE

NAGANO, JAPAN

"_Your father can see you now, Brother Gelgoog."_

_Excitement. Love. Fear. Respect. Adoration. Question._

"_Where did you come from, my son? You were born from the mountain, as all Gorons have since the Goddesses planted the seeds of life."_

_Understanding. Elaboration. Confusion. Exception._

"_True… there's no use in denying it, my son. You are a bit more… unique than your brethren in Goron City. Perhaps I should explain: when a Goron is born, you see, he grows from the rock of the mountain itself, and is adopted and raised by a father to full brotherhood. All Gorons claim Din as our Birth Mother, but our father is one who can rise to the responsibility._

"_Now, it's true that all Gorons are born from the mountain. But deep within it, there is a ruby vein- a long streak in the rock made of sparkling ruby. That vein is so deep within the mountain that a Goron born from it almost never makes it to the top- unless he is unbelievably strong and dedicated. When a Ruby Goron is born and survives the journey to the topsoil, he often becomes a great leader of the brotherhood. That is why I chose you, Gelgoog. I knew you would one day achieve great things. And so far, you have yet to disappoint me."_

BING-BOONG!

"Good morning, lady and gentlemen, this is Captain Pineapple speaking. We will be landing in Nagano shortly. We know you have a choice-"

"Put a sock in it!" Grok groaned, face buried in his flight pillow. The captain grudgingly complied.

The "lady" he had been addressing was the one assigned by the CIA to protect the Demon Statue that Arikado- now calling himself Genya- was taking with him to Hakuba Shrine. She had given her name as Sonia, but that was unlikely to be her real name. At one point during the flight, the CIA checked in over her headset and identified her as "Sea Swallow," but that was obviously an alias as well. As the only agent with prior experience with such artifacts, she was the easy candidate for the job.

"Pineapple." Sonia addressed the captain as Genya, Grok and Damian left the plane. Owl wouldn't be joining them again- part of his deal when he agreed to work for the Department was that after agreeing to help them on the Soul Edge case, he would be free to live a new life protected from Heihachi's vengeance.

"Mmyes, what can I do for you, ma'am?" The stout pilot responded.

"After we wrap things up in Hakuba Shrine, would it be possible to make a stop by Hayabusa Village? I want to give my regards to a friend."

Grok's head turned like he got a bad case of whiplash. "Hayabusa Village? As in Ryu Hayabusa, champion of the 2nd Dead or Alive Tournament? Do you know him?"

"Oh, sure," Sonia said. "We had a few adventures together before he started professionally competing. We actually took down a few of these Demon Statues Mr. Arikado is so enamored with."

"Please, call me Genya," said the not-quite-mortal man who was once known as Alucard. "Mr. Arikado is too professional for me. I've been trying for a brighter personality lately."

"Well, if Genya here doesn't mind, I guess we can make a quick stop on the way back…" Captain Pineapple acquiesced. He was notoriously easygoing when it came to changing flight plans. In fact, the story in the DDD was that one time, some terrorists found their way onto the captain's jet and attempted to hijack it. They later remarked that with such a cooperative captain, it was the easiest job they ever pulled off.

Grok tried hard to contain his excitement. "You know… it would be… interesting- for professional reasons- if you could introduce me to Mr. Hayabusa… or I wouldn't mind, anyway. Ahem."

Sonia gave Grok a rare smile. "I'm sure we can work something out. Let's get to the shrine."

"Welcome to Hakuba Shrine. May the light shine upon you. How may we be of service today?"

"I have a couple of relics that need purifying," Genya said to the priestess at the gates of the temple's inner sanctum in perfect Japanese, though it was far from his first- or even his fifth- language. "I hear Hakuba Shrine has a reputation for such matters."

"Cursed artifacts? You've certainly come to the right place. I assume this golem is one of them?" The priestess glanced at Grok, appraising his workmanship.

"I'm not sure what this chick is saying, but I don't like the way she's lookin' at me," Grok muttered to Damian.

"A golem?" The son of Dracula laughed. "No, my companion is a rare type of Goron."

"Gorons? I was unaware they were more than fairy tale creatures, like something out of Dragon Quest or Okami."

Genya gave Grok another sly look, barely turning his head.

"What was that for? What's happening?" Grok asked Damian quietly.

"Honestly, Grok. With so many of our missions in Japan, you would think one would take the time to learn the language."

"Yeah, that 'one' was you. What's going on?"

"Gorons aside," the priestess continued, "we can begin cleansing as soon as possible. May I see your artifacts, please?"

"My companion outside the temple is holding them," Genya explained. "The priestesses outside wouldn't allow a weapon or a foreign statue into the shrine without your approval."

The priestess smiled and bowed her head, raising her right hand parallel to it. The priestesses outside the shrine stepped aside, allowing Sonia through the door with the sword on her back and the demon statue on a handcart.

"The katana was corrupted by the dark magic of Soul Edge several centuries ago," Genya explained. "With Soul Edge itself destroyed, or at least incapacitated, it lacks a tie to its source, so the curse should be simple enough to remove. As for the statue…"

The priestess frowned disapprovingly. "I'm afraid there's nothing we can do about the statue without physically destroying it. Demon statues are inherently evil artifacts. They are immune to our purification process."

"All I need for the statue is its deactivation," Genya explained. "It is currently an active transponder to the realm of fiends. In its current state, it would be devastating were it to fall into the wrong hands."

"I'm afraid there's nothing I can do," the priestess admitted apologetically.

"I was hoping you'd say that. That is why I would like to attempt the deactivation myself."

"I'm sorry, but I don't know if you're qualified to use our facilities. You could just as likely be attempting to activate the demon statue as deactivating it."

"Nonsense. I'm here with the CIA." Genya motioned to Sonia, who showed the priestess her identification. "We don't want another repeat of the Dagra Dai incident. As for my qualifications… perhaps you've worked in the past with an Adrian Tepes?"

"The name is familiar… let me check my records." the priestess left for a few moments and came back with a file. "Yes, he donated a large amount of funding to the shrine when it was first erected. But that was over a hundred years ago."

"I am he," Genya admitted. He produced Adrian's financial records and his own.

"Your longevity surprises me, Mr. Tepes, but I am not going to deny it. Very well. In light of your contributions, we will allow you three days to work on the demon statue. The katana will be sent to your residence in Romania when we are finished."

"No, you can give it to me personally. This is a one-way trip for me."

"Then let me be the first to welcome you to Japan! I hope you enjoy living in the country."

"Thank you _very_ much," Genya responded gratefully. He then turned to Grok and Sonia. "We're taking care of the katana. Damian should be enough security for the next day or so. Why don't you two head over to Hayabusa Village to see your friend Ryu?"

"The department is not going to like this…" Damian voiced disapprovingly.

"I'll leave it out of your report," Genya offered. "Besides, the worst that can happen is I accidentally summon a demon. There's not much you two can do against hellspawn. Damian is my best choice of backup."

"Thank you, Mr. Arikado- Genya. We'll be on call if you need us." Sonia and Grok left to their accomodations. The captain would be off until tomorrow morning, when they could make a quick stop at Ryu's dojo before coming back. Normally, Sonia wouldn't take such frivolous risks. But for Ryu… she still wasn't sure quite how she felt about him, but she was certainly not going to pass up an opportunity to visit.


End file.
